Turmoil

I type this today in turmoil. I have a ton of emotions running around in my heart, and I am trying to clarify and de-clutter my mind. So, I guess this will really be more of a brain-d*ump than anything else.

My baby girl is turning 3 on Friday. Not much of a baby anymore. I am sad. I am thrilled to see her happy and growing. I love her world. Imaginative, playful, fun, pouty, excited, dramatic, full-speed ahead. As I look at her changing, I am experiencing a strong desire to start all over with a baby. I just can't shake it.

However, my husband, who is truly my soul mate, does not share my desire. Our marriage is a good one (Dare I say a great one and give Satan an "in" on this whole thing to have him destroy us as he is doing to so many around us). We are a good team. We complement each other in our strengths and weaknesses. God truly designed us for each other. Why is it, then, that we are so far apart on this issue? He is not on the same page with me (I don't even know if we're reading the same book...). He loves only having 2. He says he has the best of both worlds with a boy and a girl. He worries that time divided by 3 will be too much stress and not enough of him (and me) to go around. Oh, I see his point, but I also know that he is such a one-track kind of guy. Not much of a multi-tasker. He needs his down time. He needs time to relax in the evenings and on weekends. He helps out, don't get me wrong. He loves spending time with his children. He never brings his work emotions home with him. And lately, with the stress of his parents separation while working with his father at their business has been a strain, I know it has.

As his wife, I am supposed to be ok with his decision for our family. He is the leader of our home. I try to tell myself that the world is designed for families of 4. I tell myself about all the things that we'll be able to do now that there is no baby needs to meet. Potty-trained, listeners, sleepers, etc. The children we have are such blessings. I can't imagine how life would be without them, and I also tell myself that it may be too much for them to adjust to another child. I tell myself that we've had 2 healthy pregnancies and 2 healthy children. I tell myself not to test the odds. (But, I don't believe in odds. I believe in God.) I make lists in my head of the pros and cons of baby 3. I seek out all the positives of being through the baby years. I try to pack up and rid the basement of the plastic bins of baby clothes for a boy and a girl. I am trying to take things to a consignment store each season as L and C out grow them...it's just not working. I tell myself that I won't be resentful of this decision.

Still I find that I'm hoping for a surprise each month, despite my lists and my unsuccessful pep talks with myself. I don't want to coerce him into a decision. I want him to want another child. I certainly don't want to deceive him (he knows I'm not taking any birth control due to a medical issue). I don't want to end up pregnant and have him resent me and the child. I don't want to need him to help with number 3 and him tell me, "I told you so." I want him to understand that this desire is so deep within my heart. I want him to say, if we have 3 children, I'll still love you and want you to do things just for you (like a girls weekend...would that ever even happen with 3? as it is, I feel guilty asking him to watch our children for a weekend now). I want him to understand that God made me with this desire to have children all around us. And, I know that a third baby would grow up, too. I just can't get over wanting it so much.

I want ultimately to be the best wife and mother I can be. I want to do what God is calling me to do regarding this battle that's going on inside me. I just don't know...I want to feel peace again regarding everything. I want to stop calculating due dates inside my head, to stop worrying so much about age gaps between children and watching my "safe" fertility opportunities slip by.

I know how many people want to be able to have just one child. I know I'm blessed with two, and oh what blessings they are. I know I'm not perfect as a mother...so far from it, in fact. Last night I was so tired I had to rely on my husband to put the babies to bed without a bath or any assistance from me. Does that mean that I can't handle 3?

I see families of 5 all over. My girl-trip girl friends (the best kind of girlfriends...brutally honest, love each other with warts and all, thick and thin, kind of friends) all have 2 children, a boy and a girl. They say 3 is too much. 3 is unchartered territory...zone defense. At the same time, these very same girlfriends tell me that I should have 3. I am the one of the 4 of us that really could swing it. On the other hand, so many other friends have 3 or are expecting 3. I heard wonderful news today from a dear friend who's expecting her 3rd in October. Her last 2 are going to be 15 months apart. I felt my heart break a little when she told me as I waited in the car line to pick up my angels. I'm thrilled for her, and I wonder if we'd had 2 boys or 2 girls first like their family if this would even be a discussion. I feel like my husband would want to try for the opposite gender.

I have had this battle going on for so long...since C was about 18 months. I tend to be less emotional about the issues I'm dealing with. I haven't cried about any of this until this very day as I typed. My heart aches that my husband and I are in complete disagreement. I don't even know how to pray. Is this desire from God? Is this Satan trying to destroy my marriage, like he has my parents and my in-laws and countless others around us? When the tears came, I realized how much I do want another. Yet, I know how much I respect and love my husband. I don't want feel all this conflict inside myself, and I don't like that he and I don't share the same viewpoint or desires. Why do I feel that our family portrait is missing someone? Why do I feel that I should have and and after C's name? Why do I have an empty spot in my heart?

Turmoil...that's me.